How to Listen Actively (or At Least Seem Like You Are)

In communication circles, much is made of the importance of active listening. That’s where you strive to deliberately hear and understand what the other person is saying. Tips for how to listen actively include making eye contact, paying attention, eliminating distractions, and acknowledging what you’re hearing.

That’s all well and good, but the reality is that listening is difficult. Not hearing—most of us can do that. Listening. Although technology often gets the blame (or credit) for our poor listening, that’s an oversimplification; people were no better at listening in the days before technology took over our lives.

Let's be honest; some people are boring to listen to. Some talk too much and include too many details. In the best of cases, not everything everyone says is interesting, relevant, or useful. In a pinch, you can often get the gist of what someone is saying by listening to every second, third, or fourth word (or in some cases, every second, third, or fourth paragraph).

Still, when you give someone the impression that you're not listening, to that person, you're not listening. When customers, team members, or others perceive that you're not listening, they might raise their voices to try to get your attention. More seriously, they might shut down, withholding the very information you need to be of assistance.

Therefore, the tips for active listening can help you both in actual listening and in conveying the impression that you’re listening, even if you’re not hanging onto every word. Some suggestions:

• Don’t jump to conclusions. A key part of listening is avoiding drawing premature conclusions about either the person or what the person is saying.
• See how long you can go without interrupting. At first, fifteen seconds will seem like forever. Then go for thirty. Then an entire near-endless minute. Although remaining silent is champing-at-the-bit difficult, you will learn much more than if you constantly interject your own views.
• Ask questions. You’ll end up with more complete information. As an added benefit, asking questions demonstrates that you really were listening.
• Keep your mind from wandering. When you notice that your mind has wandered, respond with a silent “Oops,” and resume listening. With practice, you can even train a little voice in your head to interrupt your wanderings and bring you back to the present.
• Use a trick recommended by Nonlisteners Anonymous (a group that doesn’t exist, but should): Pretend you’re a famous anthropologist. You’ve just arrived in a remote village where your mission is to make sense of the natives. They’re not like anyone you’ve ever encountered before, so you have to listen carefully. Try it. It works! (Do your best to keep a straight face.)