Some people have no difficulty making small talk. These people excel at talking to strangers. Other people dislike small talk. To these people, small talk feels like trivial chatter and a waste of time.
Interestingly, some of the people who loathe small talk aren’t averse to socializing—they enjoy talking to people, as long as it’s about something substantive. Some even enjoy presenting to groups. What they dislike is the one-on-one nature of small talk and the pressure they feel to fill the silence.
One key to making small talk, therefore, is to find ways to quickly turn the trivial banter into something more substantial. It helps to do some homework. If you know you’ll be in a situation with strangers, such as at a class or a regional meeting, see if you can learn something about a few of the people you’ll be meeting. You may find you have something in common that can be the basis for a conversation. But even if you don’t, you may learn something that can serve as a conversation starter.
If someone you’ve just met asks you about yourself, try to respond in a way that offers more than the person is asking. For example, instead of just saying, “I’m a software developer,” you could say, “I’m a software developer, and the project I’m on now is becoming more complicated every day.” That response provides an opening for the other person to comment, and before you know it, it’s not small talk any more.
Asking imaginative, open-ended questions can trigger fascinating conversations. If you and someone you’ve just met exchange information on where you each work, you could then ask, “How did you end up with this job?” or “Did you ever imagine, a few decades ago, that this is the job you’d have now?” Or go further afield by asking, “If you could have six months off, with pay, how would you spend that time?” With questions like this, the other person may very well view you as a sparkling conversationalist!
To improve at initiating small talk, look for opportunities to talk to strangers in public settings. For example, comment about something to the person behind you in the supermarket line or sitting next to you on the commuter train. It can be about anything innocuous: the book a person is holding, the tie a person is wearing, the length of the line you’re in. Focus on the other person and comment with a smile, and the person will never guess that you’re not a fan of small talk.
