When I’ve asked people if they view themselves as good listeners, relatively few have said yes. The rest, I suppose, didn’t listen to me ask the question! But the reality is that many people are poor listeners. Some people tune out, either deliberately because they’re uninterested or unintentionally because their minds wander. Some people listen selectively, such as only for the facts, the details, or the big picture. Some interrupt, ask too many questions, or finish the speaker’s thoughts (or all three!).
My pet peeve is people who exhibit the “you think that’s something?” syndrome: Instead of attending to the person speaking and perhaps empathizing with a plight the speaker is describing, the listener tries to one-up the speaker, as if in a “who suffered most?” competition.
I heard a striking example of this sort of poor listening between two friends on adjacent treadmills at the gym. One exerciser said, “I fell off the treadmill on Tuesday. Ouch, did that hurt!” to which her friend immediately responded, “I once dropped a three-pound weight on my foot.”
I privately named them Ms. TreadFlop and Ms. WeightDrop. Clearly, Ms. WeightDrop heard what Ms. TreadFlop said, because her response was in the same vein. But a skilled listener would have made clear that she heard Ms. TreadFlop describe her painful plunge, such as by responding, "How awful! Are you okay?" or "How in the world did that happen?” Or even an unkind response, such as "How clumsy of you!"—though this response, despite demonstrating listening, wouldn't earn any empathy points.
Obvious though it may seem, if you want to be a good listener, you have to stop talking! This means remaining silent while the other person is talking and temporarily putting aside your own needs and opinions. Don’t interrupt, interrogate, change the subject, or try to formulate a response in your head while listening.
If teammates or customers view you as a poor listener, it’s unlikely they’re going to tell you so. Instead, they'll let their impression of you color their attitude toward you and their satisfaction with your work. But you can avoid this reaction. Simply signal that you're really listening by responding in a way that stays on the topic and acknowledges what the speaker has said.
Sometimes the best advice comes from those who are wise beyond their years. After a busy day, a manager friend of mine had a real wake-up call when she was talking with her three-year-old son. He accused her of not listening. She insisted she was listening. His response: “You’re not listening to me. You’re listening to yourself!” Most of us can learn from this three-year-old.
